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Sunday, June 19, 2011


Lucas has only been to my parents house one time. 

Given the circumstances, once is enough.

He was almost five months old and it was a trip made out of necessity. There was much work to be done.

He'll never even remember the six days we spent in Tucson and for that I am grateful.

We were there almost a week and each day proved more difficult than the previous. Thoughts of what should have been swirled my mind and consumed me with grief.

My parents house had been cleared of all the knick knacks and furniture, books, clothing, linens, pots and pans; cleared of all of the items that make a house a home. 

There was a fresh coat of paint of the walls that used to adorn family photos and souvenirs from around the world. Now the walls are scarce and a boring egg shell white. 

Some of my favorite photos of us were taken in the backyard during that trip. The desert always makes for a beautiful backdrop with it's sun kissed purple majestic mountains and our blue eyes against the  Arizona sky.

Lucas saw his first cactus on that trip. He had a bath in the kitchen sink and played on the bed my parents used to share.His laughter filled the halls and lifted our spirits because he didn't know any better.

Never had I dreamed of being in that house with my son without my parents there too.

Aside from all the things that are missing, the house is void of all the warmth, light and love it once held. Cherished memories that I can recall in an instant of Christmas mornings, chocolate chip cookies cooling on the kitchen counters, family debates around the kitchen table and countless summer bar-be-ques.
This was one trip that should have been the first of many.

The house is empty now, it's occupants have been gone for over three years.

There is still some work to be done, but I don't know that I can ever take Lucas back to that house again.

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Anonymous Hhm said...

I hope you can find comfort in your memories and in their stories you share with your son. Big hug to you.

June 19, 2011 at 10:35 PM  
Blogger Kim @ Mamas Monologues said...

I hope your memories can bring you comfort and allow you to share them with Lucas. Sending hugs!

June 19, 2011 at 10:42 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

At least you have some good memories of that house to remember your parents by. Cherish those and make new memories with Lucas in your house.

June 19, 2011 at 10:54 PM  
Blogger Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Tonya. Time may not dull the pain, but it also brightens all your lovely memories.

June 20, 2011 at 1:40 AM  
Anonymous jeleystorey said...

This made my eyes tear up. Fears and feelings I have never allowed myself more than a glimpse of. One of my most treasured places growing up was at my grandparents. So many special memories. I am relieved that I never had to go through their house and strip it of its life. You have captured a very difficult experience. Beautiful in its sadness.

June 20, 2011 at 8:40 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Oh, Tonya...I would feel the same way.

But cherish the memories that you have there, and maybe you could make some new ones?

June 20, 2011 at 10:19 AM  
Anonymous Tayarra said...

So sorry, Tonya. What great memories you have. I know that doesn't do much for the emptiness you must feel. Sending you my thoughts.

June 20, 2011 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I am so sorry that you have memories like this Tonya. Lucas should have both of his grandparents here and you should be visiting a house full of exactly what you grew up with. So sorry Tonya, sending hugs.

June 20, 2011 at 12:23 PM  
Blogger Kir said...

Oh sweetie, there are so many things could say but none of them lessens that pain. I am sorry and I am here if you need me. I know how empty my childhood home felt after my father died, how every space reminded me of him and how when my mom sold it and moved out that I was sad and grateful at the same time.


June 20, 2011 at 1:31 PM  
Anonymous Kenna Ray said...

I am in the process of helping clear out my grandparents' house and get it ready for remodeling. It is heartbreaking. It's just impossible to go there and not "see" them sitting in their chairs or smell their scents. I can't imagine how the house could ever be a home to anyone else. I really don't want to think about anyone else living there. At the same time, I can't imagine a time when it's not part of the family.

Thanks so much for sharing with us.

June 20, 2011 at 4:49 PM  
Anonymous Mel said...

I'm so sorry! *sending good thoughts and hugs*

June 20, 2011 at 7:10 PM  
Blogger Leah said...

I was just talking about the house with Jarrett and he noticed how different I sounded when I talked about it and how much it seems like the house meant/means to me. But you are right, it's not their house anymore, it's not even ours anymore. Without their things, their furniture and of course without them being there, it's just an empty house in Tucson.
I'll still never forget giving Lucas a bath in the kitchen sink and his naked body on the living room tiles! : ) haha

June 23, 2011 at 4:11 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Tonya...this is so hard. when my FIL died, my husband's stepmom remodeled the whole house. because she didn't want to move away, but it was too hard for ANYONE to be in his space...the way it was.

now when we go over it's her house...not their house.

but it's still...odd.

Eddie has never been there.

June 27, 2011 at 9:54 AM  
Anonymous MamaRobinJ said...

SO hard. Just awful. I want to wish it away for you.

June 29, 2011 at 7:19 PM  

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