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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Mysterious Ways

I could never have imagined that my parents would not meet my son.

It didn't once enter my thought process when I dreamed about having a family. In my mind, two sets of grandparents were always part of that equation.

Being a parent without parents never ever crossed my mind.

They should be here.

My son should have two sets of grandparents.

My mother and father should know Lucas.

Lucas should know my mother and father.

He will.

Lucas will know my parents through me and my husband and my sister and anyone else that wants to tell him about what amazing people they were. He'll hear that he reminds us of them in small ways; like a simple expression on his face that looks just like one my mother would make when she was giddy with excitement and big ways, too, like Lucas' insatiable curiosity that was so similar to my father's and how they were taken from all of us too soon.

But it's not the same.

Lucas is missing being able to go to a Red Sox game with my dad, hear first hand about the small town in Texas where he grew up. He is missing learning about stamp collecting, how to make the perfect Orange Julius and the intrigue of film-noir movies.

Lucas is missing holding my mother's soft hands, devouring her scrumptious chocolate chip cookies and celebrating each and every holiday with gusto, as only she knew how.

Lucas is missing out on so much.

But they are missing out too.

I have a beautiful, smart, funny, awesome son and just once, I'd love for my parents to able to hear his magical laughter every time I chase him around the park.

Losing my mother and father at such an early age, mine and theirs respectively, is unfathomable. But, sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways and the unfathomable happens. I lost my parents and less than a year later became pregnant with Lucas. I suffered the greatest loss of my life and then gained light and hope and more joy than I ever thought my heart could hold.

I could never have imagined that my parents would not meet my son or that they wouldn't be here longer than they were, but the way I used to think changed and then the whole world shifted.

If want to know more about how I lost my parents, please read For My Broken Heart.

This post is for The Red Dress Club's writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This weeks prompt was to write a post
that begins with the line, "I could never have imagined" and ends with the line, "Then the whole world shifted."

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, this makes my heart hurt. My dad's in his 70s now and one of the reasons I want another child sooner rather than later is so my kids can get as much time as possible with my parents. I love how you remember very specific things about them and describe those things here. Great way for him to know them.

February 10, 2011 at 9:43 PM  
Anonymous Lydia said...

This was so lovely. I could feel the lov you have for your parents and your little boy shining through. He will definately know them through you.

February 10, 2011 at 10:24 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

It will be so very special for Lucas to know your parents the way you know them, and a part of them does live on, in you and in him. I find myself saying that about my boy's grandfathers....if only they could have met!

February 10, 2011 at 10:29 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

This was well done. I know how lucky my kids and my parents are. And you're right... your Lucas will meet his g'parents some day.

February 10, 2011 at 10:29 PM  
Blogger singedwingangel said...

Sweetie who do you think hand picked your child? They held him before you, they rocked him before you and they took him before God and said this is the one. The mannerisms he has that remind you of them, they taught him. The times when you bury your face in his neck and swear you caught a whiff of your dad's aftershave that was them. They knew of him before you did. Then they shared him with you so you would know that they were still watching you.

February 11, 2011 at 5:21 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

How heartbreaking, I had no idea. Beautifully written, I'm sure they are looking down and smiling at your amazing family.

February 11, 2011 at 5:24 AM  
Anonymous erin margolin said...

I am trying to finish reading this through a blur of tears.

Remarkable post. Love your resolve. He WILL know your parents through you. You will teach him, show him.

Incredible and lovely and so touching.

February 11, 2011 at 6:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I had no idea. This is a beautiful post and I echo what others have said. Lucas will know them through you and others who knew them. He knew them before he came to this earth. My love to you. xoxo

February 11, 2011 at 8:55 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

Love this post so much that I'm going to tell my followers to come here and read it today. I promise Tonya that Lucas and my future children will know all about mom and dad. There is no way they won't with all our love for them.

February 11, 2011 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger (Florida) Girl said...

This tugged at my heart.

February 11, 2011 at 9:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh friend. This post made me ache for you. It was so poignantly written and heartbreakingly honest.

What a wonderful use of the prompt. Now...excuse me while I go find a tissue so my screen stops being blurry.

February 11, 2011 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger MultitaskMumma said...

They've met.
They're watching.
Lovely post.

February 11, 2011 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger jackie said...

Beautiful post. My MIL passed away years before I had my son. It's sad because she was truly amazing with her other grandkids. They all loved her so much, and I know my son would've been attached to her too.

February 11, 2011 at 11:55 AM  
Blogger Stacey said...

Even though your son will never know his grandparents in person, I can tell that he will know them through you. What a wonderfully touching post!

February 11, 2011 at 12:17 PM  
Blogger Not Just Another Jennifer said...

I am thankful every day that both of my parents are here and have gotten to know our daughters. I certainly didn't expect my dad to be (he's had a long history of health problems since I was 14). I cannot imagine how difficult that is for you. Beautiful post!

February 11, 2011 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger HonestConvoGal said...

Visiting from TRDC. Great post. As an adoptive mom, I live in the land of loss as well. Our kids have to grow up with a big "who am I?" question too. It's very different from the one you write about, but the answer is the same. It is what we the parents give them in the way of family ritual that makes up for what they've lost in terms of grandparents (or bio parents) that matters. Loss of all kinds is a part of life. Use it like a paintbrush to create depth and feeling in your kids and they'll be stronger for it.

February 11, 2011 at 12:46 PM  
Anonymous Yuliya said...

Oh I'm sorry for you, I can't even imagine how hard this must be.
I always felt the absence of my dad's parents too, they passed when I was nine, but in Ukraine, it never felt real because of that.
And you're right they will be alive in your memories of them.

February 11, 2011 at 12:48 PM  
Blogger Armonia said...

Thank you for your post : my father also is gone and I miss all of what could have been I understand you well

February 11, 2011 at 1:31 PM  
Blogger Shell said...

How heartbreaking to not have them around. I never read about your losing your parents, so I'm off to read more.


February 11, 2011 at 3:15 PM  
Blogger Sophie said...

Lucas is definitely going to know all about your parents and how lovely they where. I'm also quite sure that they know all about him from where they are.

This is beautifully written Tonya.

Sending you all my love xoxo

February 11, 2011 at 3:21 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Hi Tonya! I pop by your blog from time to time, and always enjoy your beautiful writing (you are quite a talented writer!) I'm sorry I've haven't left a comment until now...but this was a very poignant post. I think of your parents very frequently, actually, since I teach third grade! And because I love Leah so much (so sappy, I know!) I hope that maybe I can meet Lucas and see you when I'm there soon. That would be really neat! (PS, this is Leah's friend, Emily in WY!)

February 11, 2011 at 3:22 PM  
Blogger Nichole said...

As you know, this post takes my breath away.

I love the details that you wove in to help me to see your parents, to have a sense of who they were. I love that you included the specific ways in which Lucas reminds you of them.

Losing your parents, his grandparents, is unfathomable and cruel.

Your writing here is so amazing.
Much love to you, my friend.

February 11, 2011 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger Renee said...

They are watching over him. And he will know them. Through you.

February 11, 2011 at 6:05 PM  
Anonymous Klz said...

You give them a loving tribute. Lucas is lucky to have you.

February 11, 2011 at 6:12 PM  
Blogger gigi said...

Your parents sound like they were such awesome people. You will see more and more of them in Lucas as he grows, and that will be how you know that they are *always* with you.

February 11, 2011 at 6:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, this was lovely and so very sad. He will know them through you. You remember them in such great detail, it's so sweet. Ahh, I'm all teary now!

February 11, 2011 at 7:07 PM  
Blogger Claire Kiefer said...

Here from your sister's blog. This is so very sweet (and sad, but mostly sweet).

February 11, 2011 at 7:48 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

THe way you write about them makes me feel like I lost them too. The way you describe how there's this certain look or that one that reminds you of something they do...They live on through you. They live in your writing. They come to life on the computer screen. This is beautiful.

--The Drama Mama

February 11, 2011 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Such beautiful writing, Tonya. My father only got to meet Sawyer a couple times, and never met Sage or Xander. I think of all my kids are missing, and, of course, what my father is missing.

Hugs to you, my friend.

February 12, 2011 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

Thank you Tonya. Thank you for making me wake up and take notice. I don't have a good relationship with my parents and this post makes me want to set everything aside and nurture a relationship between them and my children.
And I too am sorry for your loss. You made your parents come alive in your writing. I know you will do far more for Lucas.

February 13, 2011 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger Nancy C said...

This made me hold my breath. My mother-in-law is very ill, and it makes my heart hurt that she may not be there for all those special moments in their lives.

You capture it beautifully. I have no doubt Lucas will know them, through you.

February 13, 2011 at 10:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't imagine such a loss, I just can't.

But them?

I can imagine them through your words here. And if I can, imagine how your Lucas will be able to know them through you and your family.

So bittersweet and beautiful.

February 14, 2011 at 6:40 PM  

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