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Thursday, September 23, 2010

In The Nick Of Time

Even after 15 months, I feel as though I am STILL struggling with motherhood and I wonder how long it will take until I'm completely comfortable with my (not so) new role.

Some days, I just don't want to do it.

Motherhood is NOT for the weak. It's exhausting, frustrating, irritating, annoying and aggravating.

Between the messes, tantrums, not being able to fully communicate with one another and the unpredictable schedule,
some days I don't know how I am going to make it through and this is just the beginning.

I have plenty of help and support from my husband, family and friends, but I am fighting demons and being pushed and pulled in ways I never thought I could or would be.

I am the least patient person I know and parenthood is ALL about patience. It's also about sacrifice. I don't know really know how to explain it, other than to say: I'm selfish.
I'm selfish with my time, my space, my energy and when you become a mom, there really is no room for selfishness. None.

I was raised as an only child until I was almost 12 years old and even then, once my little sister arrived we were at such different phases of our lives, that I might as well still been an only child.

I was used to getting my way, being heard, being in control and having everything "just so". All that goes right out the window when you have a child. It's no longer all about me.

I became a mother just in the nick of time. It was time for something really big to shake me up, wake me up and take me so far out of my comfort zone that I'd feel alive with emotion. Motherhood has turned my world upside down and leaves me asking for more. Motherhood has been the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I have never loved anything or anyone more in my life and as much as I fight it, I welcome the challenges and internal turmoil that it has brought my life. Now, if I could just learn to accept it.

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu

The best is yet to be.

This post is for Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop - Prompt #2 Tell us about a day you were sure you wouldn't get through.

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Anonymous Sarah (Chez Lee) said...

This is BRILLIANT! Motherhood teaches us so much and I too feel a much better person for the challenges it throws at me. And I am forever striving to be better too x

September 23, 2010 at 1:09 AM  
Anonymous Cyrene said...

I could've written this myself! Some days are easier and better than others, no? I, too, was used to getting things done my way, and relished being in control. Motherhood does change you but like they say, old habits die hard. Does it give you some comfort to know that you are not alone in these feelings though? That you don't have to feel guilty because we are humans after all. Because you aren't alone and you don't have to feel guilty.

Stopping by from Mama Kat's Workshop. :)

September 23, 2010 at 1:25 AM  
Blogger Tarunita said...

Great post!
I am waiting to be a mother but still can so much relate to your post.

September 23, 2010 at 2:19 AM  
Blogger Renee said...

Thank you for this post. <3
I've always considered myself the worst possible example of motherhood. I was also patience challenged and very selfish with my time, space, etc.
This the first time I've realized someone else has struggled with those same feelings.

September 23, 2010 at 5:01 AM  
Blogger Shelby said...

Great post! It reminded me of the time my sister and I finally drove my calm, loving, patient, God-fearing mother to kick the heel of her stiletto through the drywall in our living room! We still laugh about that to this day.
We Mamas all need to remind ourselves daily that we're not perfect, but we owe it to our bambinos to take that extra deep breath and just go with the flow :)

September 23, 2010 at 5:38 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

I love that you share your feelings, even when they don't feel fluffy and warm all the time. You are SO right about Motherhood, The demanding, not always enjoyable, not for the faint of heart. But you seem to see the bigger picture and see what Lucas has brought to the table for YOU, as well as what you are doing for HIM. Through the up days and down days, you are building a little life for that little man.
Great post!

September 23, 2010 at 9:40 AM  
Blogger Alex@LateEnough said...

I love this because it's stuff no one tells us. I love my personal space and motherhood is the anti-personal space. It's hard! Then again I definitely needed to learn how to give a good hug.

September 23, 2010 at 10:05 AM  
Blogger KLZ said...

There are some days I just don't know what to do. Precisely. It's the best but it's...unexplainable.

September 23, 2010 at 10:51 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Patience. I have none. I'm constantly working on it everyday. Love this, Tonya...and I'm gonna include it in my Saturday favs :)

September 23, 2010 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

You are doing great Tonya. Everyday you are getting more and more patient. If I haven't told you before, motherhood becomes you. : )

September 23, 2010 at 12:03 PM  
Anonymous Mrs.Mayhem said...

You are so right. Even after 13 years as a mother, I still feel this way! Love the quote at the end... it is so true.

September 23, 2010 at 1:12 PM  
Anonymous Pua said...

I LOVE this!!!! Ack!

September 23, 2010 at 1:24 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Motherhood is so hard, but we're not *supposed to* say it. But it is so wonderful and so valuable, that it's all worth it.

September 23, 2010 at 2:56 PM  
Blogger alicia said...

Not my greatest virtue either. I think motherhood is the only job that truly teaches that. Love that quote at the end!

September 23, 2010 at 7:01 PM  
Blogger Kelley said...

You are absolutely right! It is such a difficult job. I feel like a raging beast emerges out of me and attacks my kids when mean looks, disapproving remarks... I don't like when that nasty beast comes out! I don't want my children remembering me like that. They are 5 & 2, so hopefully their memories will be shady at this stage? I love being a mother, too, of course. More than anything. Thanks for sharing this post with us!

September 23, 2010 at 11:28 PM  
Blogger vertigob said...

I could have written this. I have days when I wonder why I ever did this. Being a mother is so demanding and we are taught not to be selfish. I think the only way to stay sane and be a mother is to be selfish.

Found you through Mama Kat.

September 24, 2010 at 8:41 AM  
Anonymous ThePeachy1 said...

Happy I found your blog. For me. the Mom of a 21, 18 and 9 year old. My kids taught me far more than I could have ever imagined. Once you let the stress of parenting go away and just enjoy the person that is forming in front of you, things become so fun and amazing. It sounds super cliche but really. Every single thing is an opportunity to learn and grow together. Always try to chose laughter over tears, but when the tears win, don't be afraid to share them.

September 24, 2010 at 12:39 PM  

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