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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Sad Reminders

I suppose I'm just torturing myself, but the - I'm not pregnant anymore - reminders are all around me:
  • My desk calender tells me that I should be 14 weeks pregnant today. Yep, I counted off the number of weeks pregnant I should be in PEN all the way up to what would be my due date! What was I thinking?
  • The What to Expect When You're Expecting book is sitting on my nightstand. I see it every day but have yet to remove it.
  • My sister and I sat at the mall having lunch the other day and counted 12 unmistakeably pregnant women walk by us in less than an hour. I wish I was kidding! I couldn't help but wonder: is everyone pregnant?
  • My three best friends are expecting their seconds and while I'm truly overjoyed for them, I'm also human and it hurts knowing that I'm not going through this with them.
  • The pregnancy test with the + sign is still in my bathroom drawer taunting me.
I think it's time to do little housecleaning and a lot more son hugging. And by housecleaning, I'm don't mean get rid of my friends. :)

The best is yet to be.

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Anonymous Nichole said...

My heart is just breaking for you.

We lost a baby in December of 2008, at 8 weeks. I thought I would die from heartbreak. If I didn't have my daughter to hold close, I just might have. I went on to get pregnant again after two months. My sweet Matthew is now 8 months old. You're right...the best is yet to be.

My husband's coworker lost her baby yesterday at 26 weeks. Four years ago, she lost one at 36 weeks. Thank goodness she was able to have a baby in between, or I don't know how she'd survive such pain.

I think that holding our little ones close is the most that we can do...little by little it gets less excrutiating.

I am sending you my empathy and love,

August 3, 2010 at 3:27 PM  
Blogger The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

So sorry. We went through a lot of that sadness and loss while trying to conceive the triplets. Prayers for peace and strength for you.

August 3, 2010 at 3:35 PM  
Blogger Devan @ Accustomed Chaos said...

Sending you some extra love today ♥

August 3, 2010 at 3:38 PM  
Blogger KLZ said...

I've still got my pregnancy tests from both pregnancies. I can't let go of the first and getting rid of the second doesn't seem fair to the baby in my arms...

It gets better. Slowly.

August 3, 2010 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger WTH am I Doing? said...

Ugh. I wish I had words to make things better. I do understand how it is to have something in your face that is a painful reminder...just not from the miscarriage perspective. I am so sorry. Sending hugs. :)

August 3, 2010 at 6:50 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

So, so's very hard, and not everyone will understand how hard it is for you. Please don't let anyone tell you how or when to grieve, just do what you need to do. And it will get better, trust me.

August 3, 2010 at 8:27 PM  
Blogger Gigi said...

Hugs to you, Tonya. Be easy on yourself and give yourself time.

Thinking of you!

August 3, 2010 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have suffered the anguish, twice. My heart breaks for you. The emotions you feel.. normal. So normal. Allow yourself time to grieve.

August 3, 2010 at 9:01 PM  
Blogger Leah said...

It breaks my heart that along with you, so many women have to go through a miscarriage and sometimes more than one. It's just not fair that it happens at all. But a few of these reminders are not healthy to have around and I really do think that you should clean house a bit. Get rid of that daily calendar for one thing and put the book on your nightstand away. You will need all of this soon again but for now, it's just not right to have around taunting you.
I hate to say this but we picked up and moved on with our lives after mom and dad died, so I think we can handle pretty much anything. The best is be. For now, I'll continue to be so so grateful to LMW. : )

August 3, 2010 at 9:49 PM  
Blogger liz said...

I'm so sorry, Tonya! All I can say it to do what you feel you need to in order to heal, and do so in your own time.

August 4, 2010 at 7:00 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Hugs to you my friend. I'm sorry you have to deal with the loss - and that reminders are everywhere.

August 4, 2010 at 12:22 PM  

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